Thursday, January 25, 2007

Worrying, the other drug

I’m not really sure how to describe my emotions during this past week. But it has been a hybrid of too many lows and a few ups added to the mix.

Being a worrier about the dumbest things has taken a toll and how I feel about life and my positions.

Seating auditions along with the Challenges, for example has been a drag.

Although I do realize that nobody will care what chair you place in your High School Orchestra, but that number will always stick with you until you die. (Or, of course, if you forget it due to God knows what.)

Since the eighth grade, my rank in chairs usually varies from second to last to my all time highest, fourth chair.

To be honest, I could give a rat’s behind on what chair I’m actually placed, but all I hope is that I sit on the edge.

Stand partners; in a way do matter as well. You should sit next to someone whom you’re fond of and get along great with. If you need some assistance with something in the Orchestra criteria, that person would be able to help.

I’m pretty glad with whom I sit next to.

Thanks for not making fun of me when I can’t tune my instrument or when I play too loud or talk too much, or better yet, go out of tempo.


~~~

The challenging sequence after the seating auditions are over is the biggest worry of all.

Last week, a girl who was fifth chair alerted me that she wanted to challenge me. I was pretty cool with it. I didn’t mind the extra hours after school practicing my cello.

The next day, I hear that she has been telling her classmates that she was “going to put that bitch back in her place.” Apparently, the bitch was me.

When I found out about this by a friend I thought to myself, “I’m not that bitchy. She’s taking this a little too far and way too seriously.” I go up to her during 7th period Orchestra and tell her what I heard. She responds candidly, “So?

With all the stuff she’s been saying, it increased my desire to defend my chair.

I received the challenge piece on Tuesday. It was the Star Spangled Banner and Brandenburg. “Oh yes” was my first reaction when I looked at what I’m supposed to be playing for my challenge coming Friday.

After Mock Trial this past Wednesday, I played those two scores too much that my middle and index finger turned purple for quite some time. They look fine, but there is still some pain exerted inside.

~~~

I tried not to worry for this whole week, but every day in Orchestra I felt blank with no emotion. Playing the cello didn’t seem as fun and I wasn’t my outgoing self. I was feeling isolated, alone, just everything cut away from me.

It’s just been some sort of a blur during those 42 minutes in Orchestra.

Don’t call me “emo”, but it’s the truth.

I wanted my chair and I didn’t want to lose it all. I guess you can say I wasn’t ready for a change. Even though I will be one seat back, it would have been one hell of a transition. I wasn’t ready to sit with someone new.

I’ve learned that in the past few days, my intense worrying has taken a toll on basically everything I did during 7th period. I didn’t want to interact with anyone.

Worrying felt like a drug that created anxiety attacks. My whole body was shaking that I couldn’t really stop it; even if I tried it was no use. Also, my eyes were bulging, and my speech became slurred.

~~~

Today might at least end some of the worrying. While I was at my locker after 8th period was over, the girl who wanted to challenge me gave me a note and told me to read it since it was important.

At first I panicked. I thought it was note telling me that she was going to beat me and my cello down to a bloody, woody pulp.

I was hesitant of opening the note, but after a split second, I eagerly open the note and see the words, “Challenge & off”.

I thought I was hallucinating at first, so I read the first couple lines…

It was official. The challenge was off.

She wanted to challenge me for the sake of beating me. She thought I deserve my chair and that I want it more than she does.

I kept reading the note trying to find maybe a “Just kidding. I’m gonna beat you into shreds!” But there was no success into finding that.

~~~

I walk up to her and give her a hug. Despite the fact that I couldn’t believe she was forfeiting her chance, it may be one of the nicest things a person has done this year.

I kept thanking her for about thirty seconds and out of nowhere, I say, “I love you” to her. Let’s just hope she doesn't think I love her in a romantic kind of way. I love homosexuals, but I’m not of that orientation.

I tell her that fifth chair is nice. You’re at the edge where in the concert; everyone will be able to see you. I don’t remember her seating in the edge, so this is really her chance to shine brighter.


~~~

After reading the note in its entirety, it took the weight off in my insides. I became so relieved that I literally ran to my English class and jumped up giving Ryan Knott a hug. Something I wouldn’t normally do, but I had to cherish the moment.

Too bad the guy I liked isn’t in any of my classes (except one, if you call it a class). But that’s a whole different story.

~~~

I’m looking at my then-purple fingers with the dead skin finally off.

My severe worrying has resulted in a couple panic attacks as well of some thoughts of taking immediate, dangerous actions. But in the end, I still held on and cherished what I have and not thinking about of what could have been.