Back in the game

So it's been more than two years since I last posted on my blog. Now I am going to say the cliche "a lot has changed" but to be honest, I cannot think of anything less cliche than that.

I'm not sure if I should go into EVERYTHING that has changed since my last post considering that may take a couple hours of typing (and mind you, I can type over 100 words per minute...) so I'll just go with the basics.

Since graduating college, I've become a mom. A what? A MOM. Yes. Who knew the baby faced 23 (now 24) year old bass drumming, turned theater geek, ultimate frisbee loving kid became a mom. My little one is so perfect in every way. Sure, he was a big pain in the balls with his haphazard sleep schedule but he fixed that up just perfectly! I cannot express enough how much I love my little man. His smile... the way he reminds me of his dad, wow. He's a joy. He brings so much happiness in others which warms my soul in the best of ways.

I am so happy how life has turned out since my last post but there are always room for improvements. I recently just finished being part of a play called "The Diary of Anne Frank." You've probably heard of the amazing little writer. (Of course you have.) Theater has became a big part of my life since graduating. I did one show in college called "The Memorandum." To be honest, it made me abhor theater. Perhaps it was the director who yelled at me for "leaving rehearsal" because I had to urinate. (Nature calls, man.) Or the stage managers who freaked out on me because I was late to rehearsal because I was at Vagina Monologues rehearsal (which they knew about...) -- well whatever it was, I just hated it. Hate is a strong term so maybe I'll say, "I disliked theater at Moravian." I only tried out because my friend was trying out. Since she was given a low-ball role, she quit. I couldn't quit. I vowed to myself that I couldn't quit the show - I embraced the suck. Luckily, I decided to dabble into theater less than a year of graduating college (December 2013). Fast forward til now and everything is just wonderful.

I know I'm being a little vague but I'm trying to type as much as I can before my little one wakes up! :)

Anywho, my goal is to keep more up with this blog. It's so fascinating to see how much I've grown since my first entry!

Til next time!

Possibility

Have you ever been forced to stand face to face with someone that you really miss but you know that person hates you? And you both had the worst conversation the previous night and you just have to stand there, raw, cut open with multiple razors for everyone and their grandma to see. Oh and this whole standing face to face shenanigans was all recorded on TV. Such a marvelous cherry on top.

It was just awful. I was upset. You don't understand but I do truly miss you. I miss our talks and everything. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just like talking to you. I am not trying to flirt or anything, I apologize if I sounded like that but I really do care for you. I want you to be happy as possible.

I cried so much because I reminded myself about how my sophomore year was. I don't give a fuck but I am going to make a New Moon reference. Without him, my sophomore year was just odd. It didn't seem complete, like there truly was a missing part of me. A missing set of happiness. Everywhere I go, there were reminders. Reminders of our friendship and all the grandiose things we would haphazardly do. I guess you can say, he was my person.

It hurts me to even think that he doesn't think of me like that. Maybe I was just some "good-looking" nerd that was an eye-candy and nothing more.

Today after Vespers, my family went inside my room. They were surprised that I didn't have a roommate. My mom asked, "Do you ever get lonely?" While I do like the constant privacy, I truly 'am lonely. I feel like I don't get invited anywhere. I feel unwanted like a doll that nobody wants to buy so I'm just thrown out after my sale period ends.

It's hard to move on but I guess this will be my first test. But after all these years, I just can't.

...It is time to exorcise those demons.

To piss or not to piss.... always... to piss

I honestly never knew what I was good at. Sure, I could make people laugh and smile but I never figured out if I had talent other than the aforementioned. I can play the cello like a high school student, bang a drum like an animal, and run like a wannabe Mo Farrah. I've come across so many people who can show off what they are good at and how fucking well they look.

After this week, I think I realized what I am truly good at. Pissing men off. (Women do not count. They are always pissed off. Okay I am kidding...) I was texting to two guys that actually piss me off. Perhaps "romance" ruined our relationship. No, I never dated them or anything. But there was that awkward "Oh hi Emmy I like you." and I go, "Oh hi I am taken forever." vibe going on. Sometimes, I wish I can just say I was asexual and so when people who are "interested" in me - they won't have to deal with heartbreak.

I was afraid that I pulled a Gretchen. But hmph, maybe not. I just like talking to people incessantly  (Not in a Kellie kind of way, my voice would hurt.)

I would just text them and create a conversation that would really go no where. Typically, they end off with me being confused about their feelings (and/or sexuality) or with me thinking, "Why did I just do that? My semester is hectic and I am texting haphazard funnys to people that probably hate me." Well, yolo bitch.

I suppose I know the next thing I can add to my resume.

Experienced in pissing every sort of human possible.

To everyone reading this: Don’t put up a front and everything else in between

I don’t know how many people will read this but one thing I ask for people is to be real. All too often, I see so many of my peers putting up some front. I don’t know why - maybe they want to look good in front of someone, appear more powerful because of whatever leadership position they are in or whatever it may be, I am sick of it. Just be real. Be who you are. Stop trying to act like somebody you’re not. If you don’t like someone, don’t fake being their friend. I see this stuff all the time where I am put in the middle of some bullshit friendship and I am not gonna lie, but I tell that person straight up. “Yeah, they are just fake. They really don’t like you.” The truth hurts, but hell, that stuff sets you free.

Also - I hate politics. Last year, when I ran for USG President with Mark, we acted the same as we normally do. We didn’t have this “Yeah-I’m-the-Best-So-Vote-For-Me” mentality. We ran because we wanted to help the student body. We like to evoke change, representing students on their behalf. We have many passions and it embodies the many things we do. My adviser told me that I need to take a lot of notes when I meet with members of the DBA. “This might be the last meeting you’ll have with them.” What? No. Regardless of our positions in student government, I am still going to be meeting and catching up with our discount program and still trying to behoove the bus situation. The passion for change should not come with a title. It doesn’t matter what your position is…

Prior to the election, I felt like some people were acting different -perhaps more friendlier to me. Quite honestly, the sad thing is, I’m a soc major. I can notice changes in how people treat me. (lol) It was really sad. Hell, Mark and I went into the election not knowing the outcome. We never said, “Oh when we win.” No bitch. No. When you develop that certain stuck-up persona, people will start to hate you. That’s why, if I ever run for a public office when I’m older, I am going to be real. I am not going to sway people with my words. I am going to give them me. I am going to be raw (lmao I almost typed “rawr”) and speak how I normally speak. Granted, there are some people that intimidate the hell out of me because of their talents and I get really awkward and quite around them. But still, I am not going to be fake or be nicer to someone so I can just get an extra vote or two. I think people will like you more when you are your true self. Then, people won’t have to figure out the mindless puzzle of who you really are because you’ve already showed the world what you can accomplish.

Last, I’m not being passive aggressive. The people who I don’t like should realize that I am sick of their dumb ass actions and should just be real. Don’t act different when I’m around or whatever. People are such mind-boggling creatures that act different so they can appear “better.” Yes - Erving Goffman argued on the theory of symbolic interactionism that human actions are dependent on the time, place and audience. However, when it comes to peers on a friendship or election standpoint, when you act like two completely different personas, in the same context, it gets questionable.

From the outside looking in, you can't understand it. From the inside looking out, you can't explain it.

Clearly, it has been a while. My life is too fast and I don't remember a time where I said, "I'm bored." Quite frankly, I do not complain about boredom because it just never happens in my college life. I like it though. I look back at my high school years and I remember I was just so dependent that I kept on asking for rides from my mom and others. Now, I don't even have to worry about that. I absolutely adore it. I really do. It's great not to worry if I can get a ride there on a time. I just have to worry about the bus - but that's a whole different story. Oh Moravian shuttles.

Don't worry. Even my term ends, I am still going to be active in meeting with the administration. I don't need a title to help the student body. That's not just who I am.

I can't believe I graduate though. Like...what?! It's kind of ridiculous but I am excited for the future as well. I take my life day by day and I really do like spending time in the classroom. We'll see what the future holds. I am very thankful for the people around me. Regardless of all the crap that happens to me, the emotional pain, the physical-my-health-sucks-but-nobody-can-see-it pain, the I-am-so-stressed-but-I-am-better-than-that-I-don't-take-it-out-on-people lifestyle is very good. Honestly, if you are one of those people, suck it up and keep calm.

I still can't believe I am a senior. Just wow.

I am following my own advice and I doing many things I thought I would never do in my college career. Here's the crazy list of things I've done so far...

1.) Tried out for a smaller vocal ensemble
Let's get real here. I am not to par with the rest of my musical cronies. But it feels good that I actually tried out.

2.) Rushed for a sorority. But this isn't any sorority. I heard so much hate about it: hazing, sluttiness...that "typical" sorority stigmas.
During my underclassmen years, I joked with Gelmar about how I would rush and channel my inner "Spongebob": Hello my name is Girly Teen Girl. I come from Far Awayville. Senior year started and I met a lot of the girls. I worked with them. I really liked them all. They encouraged me to rush. I did. Had a blast. Met a lot of the girls and I was my true self. No Girly Teen Girl. I was me. From the outside looking in, you can't understand it. From the inside looking out, you can't explain it. The next day, I didn't get a bid. I was a little distraught  Turns out, it was because I was a senior. I was told that all the girls loved me but because of my senior status, there might be a possibility that I might kill a family. I understand and I still say Hi to everyone. They are all really nice. And hey, there is even a possibility that I can be inducted - as an alumnae  (I checked the website. This can work. I can still be a sister afterall!)

3.) Tried out for the Dance Company
Okay quite frankly, I didn't even try out. I came to the practices. Told the director that I was a newbie. But yes, I am in the Dance Company. I am getting the hang of it and I really enjoy it. It's a great physical activity. I wasn't much of a dancer either. Also, as of right now, I am in a total of THREE dances. I feel very flattered to be chosen in a couple of these dances and I am still waiting on another. I am trying my best to calm myself and check the schedules of the rehearsals since I am afraid that I will not have any time to go to practice. I have to make time for myself too.

4.) Tried out for a play
I am still waiting for the cast list. Though, I was asked to read the lead role twice. I am not insinuating that I might get the lead role but it feels good to know that I didn't completely suck. I hope I get a part. I mean, I would be a little annoyed if I get the non-speaking part, but I don't foresee that. Who knows. Anything can happen.

5.) Slept early.
Well, this is new.

Public Service Announcement

I’ve worked the Sex Signals event ever since freshman year. I’ve seen so many different showings of it throughout my four years at Moravian. Now finally, as a senior, I understand and can actually relate to some of these skits. I kind of wish I wasn’t so naive because anything can happen to anyone.

This has been a public service announcement by me.

This too shall pass.