My friend Mandy told me that out of everyone she knows, I have the best experiences in life. I travel, I explore new places, I don't take no for an answer. I'm the most stubborn create that has walked on this Earth.
While I can't say for sure that out of all the folks she knows, my experiences are the best, but I can assure you, I've had my ups and downs. I've been depressed. I've been suicidal. I took too many ibuprofen pills. I almost jumped out of my second story window at school just three months ago. I tried drowning myself in a creek - just two days ago. I used to bang my head on the rails of my bed when I was younger. I used the edges of keys to cut myself when I was a sophomore in high school. I only thought sleep was the only way to go. Sleep would save me. Wake up and it's already a new day. A new light. The slate is wiped clean, a new chance to have some redemption.
To be honest, there are times, many times actually, where I haven't felt loved. I felt loved by friends and Brian, but no love from even my own mom. I see parents that would do anything for their child(ren.) Sometimes, even speak for them (which is something that I don't think is a good thing actually.) But anywho, I think as a child and even now, I have to kind of fight my way to succeed. I have to do everything. At times, I don't even know where to begin. I can't fathom knowing how to choose my own dentist, finding a doctor, weird things that I should know soon, but have no support in how to do it. My house is just a place where I sleep, do my laundry, be with my sister and watch tv. I don't even have my own room. That's Main Hall 203.
But, despite all my troubles. My troubles on feeling invisible and unwanted, I can't have those hard times define me. I would sometimes mope around my problems, stay in bed until 2pm and just sit there, be lazy and do nothing. I think that's what living in Stroudsburg has done. I don't have a car, I would rely on those who have cars. Unlike Brian's mom, I cannot stay in my house all day. I just can't. It almost seems like a dungeon. I need to feel to breeze, see motion, see faces, hear sounds, come alive when I hear the horn honking. I don't get that feeling of liveliness when I am stuck at home. That's why I loved New York and traveling so much. I get to see new things. I didn't have to rely on a car to take me from place to place. My own two feet would do - and sidewalks would be there every step of the way.
My experiences abroad was always a new, scary adventure. My most recent trip abroad was the Philippines and Japan. I had a layover in Japan so it still counts as part of my trip. One of the most memorable things I did was go out to the beach and write. Writing is just amazing. It is so helpful. I had some really depressing times in my life and I felt like there was no way to get out. I wrote. Sometimes, I even think being depressed makes my creative juices flowing even more livelier. I can tell you crazy places where I have wrote and it is still not enough.
I've got to see indigent communities first hand. First in Haiti and in the Philippines. (Does the Galapagos count?) While I don't even have a room of my own, I am still grateful. I've seen more tent camps than I can count, devastation everywhere. Yet, one thing that is emanate, that still radiates among these dark places are smiles. Always there. Despite it all, a smile is a person's way of saying, "I may not have everything, but at least I have my life and I am around wonderful people. That's all that matters."
I love people. Yet, I really do crave solitude. I love being able to sit among nature and just write. I do plan on doing that...for years to come.
While I can't say for sure that out of all the folks she knows, my experiences are the best, but I can assure you, I've had my ups and downs. I've been depressed. I've been suicidal. I took too many ibuprofen pills. I almost jumped out of my second story window at school just three months ago. I tried drowning myself in a creek - just two days ago. I used to bang my head on the rails of my bed when I was younger. I used the edges of keys to cut myself when I was a sophomore in high school. I only thought sleep was the only way to go. Sleep would save me. Wake up and it's already a new day. A new light. The slate is wiped clean, a new chance to have some redemption.
To be honest, there are times, many times actually, where I haven't felt loved. I felt loved by friends and Brian, but no love from even my own mom. I see parents that would do anything for their child(ren.) Sometimes, even speak for them (which is something that I don't think is a good thing actually.) But anywho, I think as a child and even now, I have to kind of fight my way to succeed. I have to do everything. At times, I don't even know where to begin. I can't fathom knowing how to choose my own dentist, finding a doctor, weird things that I should know soon, but have no support in how to do it. My house is just a place where I sleep, do my laundry, be with my sister and watch tv. I don't even have my own room. That's Main Hall 203.
But, despite all my troubles. My troubles on feeling invisible and unwanted, I can't have those hard times define me. I would sometimes mope around my problems, stay in bed until 2pm and just sit there, be lazy and do nothing. I think that's what living in Stroudsburg has done. I don't have a car, I would rely on those who have cars. Unlike Brian's mom, I cannot stay in my house all day. I just can't. It almost seems like a dungeon. I need to feel to breeze, see motion, see faces, hear sounds, come alive when I hear the horn honking. I don't get that feeling of liveliness when I am stuck at home. That's why I loved New York and traveling so much. I get to see new things. I didn't have to rely on a car to take me from place to place. My own two feet would do - and sidewalks would be there every step of the way.
My experiences abroad was always a new, scary adventure. My most recent trip abroad was the Philippines and Japan. I had a layover in Japan so it still counts as part of my trip. One of the most memorable things I did was go out to the beach and write. Writing is just amazing. It is so helpful. I had some really depressing times in my life and I felt like there was no way to get out. I wrote. Sometimes, I even think being depressed makes my creative juices flowing even more livelier. I can tell you crazy places where I have wrote and it is still not enough.
I've got to see indigent communities first hand. First in Haiti and in the Philippines. (Does the Galapagos count?) While I don't even have a room of my own, I am still grateful. I've seen more tent camps than I can count, devastation everywhere. Yet, one thing that is emanate, that still radiates among these dark places are smiles. Always there. Despite it all, a smile is a person's way of saying, "I may not have everything, but at least I have my life and I am around wonderful people. That's all that matters."
I love people. Yet, I really do crave solitude. I love being able to sit among nature and just write. I do plan on doing that...for years to come.
