I am too in love with someone that I have been only focusing on that person. I didn’t focus on anything else; my life was just deeply wrapped around him to the point where his name was the only thing on my mind. I really don’t want to go into detail about it, but it was just ridiculous to the point where I didn’t care if I went to bed around 4am – all I wanted to do is to talk to him. I wanted to be with him during every waking moment of my life, without realizing the many things I had to do for myself, and most importantly, for my family.
I’ve been blinded by the mistakes I have been until now. And I want to change that. I can’t break up with him, I’m still too in love, but I feel that my love for him is dwindling. Not because of this realization, but because of the things that he does that make me upset. I am a sensitive person and so when he’s harsh to me, I suppose I have to “fight” back since I’m a huge believer of the Golden Rule. I am a bit crazy in what I do, but I have to intention to harm anything or anyone… maybe myself. But that’s it.
I know I can’t beneficially change someone in a day, but I feel like there is absolutely no progress. It’s all just a matter of time when I’m gone and still, it has been that same habitual routine that he’s been doing all along. I hope he figures it out. Only I can hope. But I’m kind of giving up now. This is just so depressing that I’ve realized the many things I’ve neglected because of him. It’s my fault for even saying anything in the first place. I should have kept my mouth shut, but this has been one of the best and worst things that has happened to me. I just don’t know where to turn to for help.
I know I’m not going to completely loose myself in this relationship, but it seems that I already have. His mom didn’t allow him to watch the Simpsons when he was younger. But one value lesson I’ve learned from that “forbidden” yet, so thought-provoking show, is that “Love can make you do crazy things.” I had to learn that the hard way.
And evidently, Homer Simpson was true.
Today didn’t help either. I went to Philly to get my passport and the aroma was, for the most part, depressing. The notion was very unwelcoming. And to top it all off, I started to cry at the Ruby Buffet where my family and I went after we went to the passport agency. I’m not going to describe why I cried, but my mom started to laugh. She laughed at me while I cried. This is one of the sole reasons why I hate to cry in public. You get all this unwanted attention from other people, they start wondering what the fuck is up with you crying at a public place, and they keep on looking at you. Some laugh some ask you what’s wrong. The ones who ask “What’s wrong?” makes me cry even more because I feel so overwhelmed by the public attention I’m receiving. It sucks. And the person who laughed was supposed to be the lady in your life whom you could call your mom with love. Now I know to run to the bathroom when something like this happens again. If only people would stop looking at you while you rush to the bathroom without looking like a complete wacko.
Thankfully, there was the occasional helpful person that smiled made me feel much better. When people smile, it makes the world brighter. Hope people could learn from that.
