This was one of my greatest fears. It really was. I never want to see people that I love die. I've always hated the month of April and all these instances (will explain) have proven my point.
When I was younger, I was sitting on my bed, talking to my aunt. I was playing with my giga-pet toys and I proclaimed, "So that's how life goes. Like a gigapet, we die, but we soon come back to life again." My aunt corrected me. Instantly, my face sulked. I knew right then and there, that there will be no sort of glimmer of happiness when it comes to death. It will just be everlasting thunder - taking your body into a lifeless, black hole. I have never been so disappointed. I was only a kid too.
I knew from then on, my world was going to be this great fear of death. I feared it so much. I think about it everyday and I didn't want any of my loved ones dying - but I knew it was bound to happen.
Just the thought about death irked me. I hated it.
And so, yes, I am affected. I cried. I saw her four months ago and I miss my Grandma Lena. I miss her so much. She used to send me cards during my birthdays, Christmas, graduation, just any nice event. For graduation, she sent me a card that has the option where you could record your voice. "Great going Emmellene!" she said. Then Cindy Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun" comes on. I can't bare to listen to the recording because it makes me want to see her more. Her laugh and her ginormous hugs. The times we went for walks. The times when we played Monopoly. Wow. It just doesn't seem right.
The good always have to die. It's not right. It really isn't. It's also the last week of school before finals and I don't know how I can handle any of this. I am going to class tomorrow, trying to perform at my best.
My mom is picking me up after school, however. It is going to be nice to be with my loved ones. I love going home. And I love coming to New York as well, since I was born there and all that fun stuff. But, I am now going to New York and I don't want to. I can't face this. My favorite city, now has become my greatest enemy.
This week hasn't been any better either. None of my writing submissions have been selected for an award, I am loosing in scrabble against B-hat (so stupid to get upset about, but I was doing so well...) and my friend decided to go against me in this Choir election (but we both didn't win so I didn't care). I can't really remember anything from the top of my head, but I would just rather halt time.
To make matters worse, I am trying to get depressed. I am finding ways to. Like, I am thinking about all the bad times that I've experienced during my life. All I would do is just cry up everything. I don't know why but thinking about all the bad things that happened in my life and just terrible-ness going on around the world goes nowhere. But I sometimes want to be depressed. It's bad, I need to stop. But I don't know how. Sometimes, I just give up and I don't care about anything anymore.
I just love being with my family and I cannot wait so I can be in their arms again.
I want to thank everyone for their support.
I suppose for now I am also a bit stressed. Finals and stuff. I want to get everything done before the deadlines but I don't know if I can handle it. I have to be strong.
I am currently listening to Gershwin and he's amazing. I realized that I shouldn't listen to "depressing" music because I even get more upset. Gershwin puts a smile on face, even during the saddest times. I bet Grandma Lena would have liked this sort of music. She was also smiling. I need to emulate that. Her greatness.
