These past couple of days has been rough, yet somehow worth it in some way. There are so many relationship troubles going on within me and it's not my fault. I think it was the "opposing" side that started it. Plus, I could not tell him what he did wrong right off the bat. It's hard - relationships are so hard.
Sometimes, movies and books are just pure fantasies. Thankfully, I got to realize this now instead of later in life.
Everyone has their expectations about you and your lover, and it's sometimes hard to live up to. They imagine you to be married in a couple years, sharing a home in some rural countryside area, having five kids together.... Then one stupid argument, so diminutive that it's hard to capture, happens in the ray of light. Then all of a sudden, boom. The relationship is over.
The expectation is, just like your relationship, is eradicated.
I get into those kinds of arguments. It's stupid and so small, yet, somehow, I think it has some importance in my life. I don't believe I've caused the arguments. It's what he said. I admit, I'm somewhat of a sensitive person. I may look tough on the outside, but I'm also ridiculously easily offended. I hope everyone realizes that. I take things personality and sometimes, things like that hurt. I wanted to end it - but I realized I couldn’t.
I've made promises. I'll seriously regret them for a couple hours, but after some good sleep or kiss or whatever, I feel all better about it. Sometimes I think I'm bipolar - but it's not my fault. It's just my abrupt sensitivity, care, and occasional sympathy. I just hope he figures it out. I hope he realizes that I take things personally and I'm just too upset/angered to hastily report to him the things he's done. (But he wants me to automatically tell him because he wants to change and stop making me upset..I'll tell him later, however, through sheer anger. Though he forgets what he done and still does that same thing wrong a few days or so later.)
Then when he does something wrong, I ignore him. Who wants to talk to someone who's made you upset? You do later, but not during your grief.
However, during those times of ignoring him - I try to rejuvenate. Get my thoughts working and figure out how to improve. I try my best to do that, but I'm still aggravated. You know? Give me a break. I'm too upset - don't give me shit because I am ignoring your ass because of what you've done.
I never knew this would get SO serious too. We were just two friends in Marching Band who happen to really like each other. I just couldn't live without him back then. And now, I still feel the same way – but infinity times more. Even when we're fighting, I still, deep down, want to know that I'm near him. I've been deeply succumbed to this - and it seems I cannot get out. Whatever I try to do, I somehow keep coming back. Is this normal to be this deeply in love, yet at the same time, to deeply hate (during those harsh times)?
I've realized that I shouldn't end something because of one stupid argument or comment. Couples fight, and they disagree. Normally, him and I don't disagree, however currently, we have. It's about the things he said or done. That's it. But he wants to change. He wants to change to make me happy. We'll see. I want to make this work. But stupid comments and sensitivity get in the way.
When you read this (you know who you are), please don't hate me. I just needed to get it all out.
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Varsity Basketball's season ended. Pretty depressing, but it's now a season to start new. Where will you be?
And daaammn, I still need to get my cell phone fixed. It's causing too much trouble for me and the people I need to contact.
Jeeze, this post is depressing all together!!!
